Ladies, Get Your RING Fingers Ready!
(Excerpt From Dr. Tartt's The Ring Formula)
“Completing a test is always easier when you have the key in front of you.” While men will openly admit that they don’t understand women, far too many women make the unfortunate mistake of overestimating their overall knowledge about men. As men, we must take partial responsibility for being frequently misunderstood because rarely do we unmask and tell you what and how we truly feel. In fact, we really expect you to know already how we feel, how to meet our needs and why we need you. After all, mama seemed to intuitively know these things.
While this seems illogical, it is true and unfortunately makes dating us very confusing, frustrating and stressful. Tell you something you don’t already know, right! Well God is good and always offers opportunities to serve. So, being a servant, I decided to be part of the solution by telling you everything (well, almost everything) to enhance your knowledge about relationships with men. Are you ready? Good, then let’s begin.
During an age in which increasing numbers of top-choice men appear to be opting for serial dating and view monogamy as a dirty word, it is critical to have a ring formula for dating these men towards marriage. With the premium for good men at an all-time high, you simply cannot afford to date without a ring formula – a formula for getting married. What’s your ring formula?
For a man to marry you, you must be able to meet his every need in ways that exceed even his highest expectations. He must view you as a sparkling diamond, a one-of-a-kind woman whom he must marry to keep all to himself. In order to get that ring on your finger, you must first embody the beauty, class, and glow of the highest quality diamond from within. You must know the needs and wants of your man inside and out and be able to meet them at his beck and call.
But what happens when your man doesn’t communicate his needs? What happens when your man appears content to date you indefinitely but never propose? What happens when you feel like you’re on a soul train carousel of Mr. Wrongs or faced with the idea of having to share your Mr. Right with half of the city? What do you do when you are the sparkling diamond, but your mate is a cubic zirconium? It’s time to create THE RING FORMULA, a foolproof plan that takes your MR. RIGHT off the market and gets that ring on your finger.
Some women work from sun up to sun down preparing their bodies to lure the perfect man. In the end, however, they are surprised when superficial beauty alone fails to secure the prize. What they fail to develop is a superior game plan or formula that effectively eliminates the competition and wins them the matrimonial prize of Mr. Right.
Tens of thousands of amazingly beautiful, highly intelligent, and phenomenally talented women surprisingly have forgotten their inherent diamond status and the power that sharing that inner beauty holds in luring good men. I was surprised to find that many women didn’t know the first thing about what men really wanted in a wife and too often relied on superficial qualities and sex to attract a husband. Being true to my profession as a psychologist, I decided to inquire to analyze the antecedent to this problem.
I was shocked to learn how little modern-day women knew about the true needs of men. First, most women were honest when they responded that they were completely confused about what men wanted and were eager to take notes and get the answers quickly. A second group of women never even thought about men’s needs and felt that the courting process was all about them. They were oblivious to the idea that men like to be courted and taken care of as well. The third group gave some of the most ridiculous answers I’ve ever heard, and I knew it was time to help.
I heard answers ranging from great mind-blowing sex, all the food they could eat, beer, a remote control, video models, “yes” women, and on and on, ad nauseam. Ok, I’m being a little facetious, but I couldn’t help but grow concerned because I had no idea that women were so clueless. It’s amazing how different the thought process between men and women can be without good, healthy dialogue. I quickly began to see the true problem. While women have spent years of their lives in advanced study for their occupations, they apparently skipped the freshman course on how to court a man.
One group of women knew exactly how to attract and court good, eligible men. For the most part, these happily married women had taken lessons from the older generation on what men want and exactly how to give it to them. They put their knowledge to use and frequently relied on their fathers, mothers, aunts and sisters as consultants to keep their men coming back for more.
The conversations I had with these women made me want to marry them on the spot because they clearly knew something that so many single women did not—how to speak the language of men. Their every word and story about how they took care of their men was like playing the extended version of my favorite song over and over again. There was even a stark difference in how they treated me as we conversed about relationships. It got to the point where I could tell within the first five minutes, before any words about the book were discussed, who clearly knew versus who was clueless.
The more women I spoke with, the more it became clear that knowledge truly is power. For the first time, I began to empathize and understand these women’s dilemma. They wanted to please and satisfy their men, but had never been taught techniques on courtship. In fact, many argued about the necessity of courting men at all.
Since these women were never properly taught, they were left to date without a training manual to guide their quest for love. They were like an archer with no bow. They clearly saw the target but lacked the proper tools to hit the mark. Adding to the dilemma is the fact that men certainly won’t tell you what you’re doing wrong during the process. They want to avoid conflict, and they expect you to know already.
For these reasons, single women have been forced to use what they have—a woman’s perspective—but have failed miserably. The byproduct, unfortunately, has been a combination of loneliness, a series of painfully disappointing relationships, and eventual anger towards men. At its worst, this anger, based on a history of negative experiences with men, has resulted in low expectations and a subsequent self-fulfilling prophecy of unhappy relationships. Out of these bad experiences come some of the following wrongheaded overgeneralizations:
“All men are the same; they only want sex and can’t appreciate a good woman with morals.”
“Most men are intimidated by women who are better educated than they are.”
“Men are intimidated by women who have their own car, house, and finances.”
After listening to hundreds of baseless theories, and hearing horror stories about dating, I decided to ask one question: “Who taught you how to court men?” Their answers were telling. Many women revealed that they were self-taught, received instructions from their single girlfriends or, worst of all, learned from no one at all.
It was clear that something needed to happen. The time was right to create a crash course for all the beautiful but misinformed women in the world. Who better to learn from about what men truly want in a wife than a man … who is also a psychologist?
Over the past fifteen years, I have dated, or been in serious relationships with two attorneys, one television network President, an American Idol contestant, Miss Black Georgia, two physicians, one health educator, one realtor, one nurse/model, three educators, one mechanical engineer, three psychologists, one flight attendant and one fashion designer.
They were all phenomenal women, and I was not intimidated by any of them. In fact, it was their intelligence, confidence and strength that attracted me to them. These relationships ended because of career moves, loss of chemistry/friendship, or personal immaturity. In many cases, the relationship had simply run its course.
Many of these women knew exactly what I wanted and, as a result, I was fiercely loyal, thankful and loving. On the other hand, some of the other potentially promising relationships never even got off the ground. They made huge mistakes that, unfortunately, had the opposite effect than expected, and I lost interest.
Being a “typical” man, I neglected to tell them what they were doing wrong during the courtship. Why? I wanted to avoid conflict, and I didn’t feel I needed to. As a woman, should you tell a man how to kiss you, or would you expect him to know already? Having to give instructions about everything takes all the intrigue and excitement out of the relationship.
Early on, there were times when I was tempted to tell dates that they were making huge mistakes, but I remained silent. All of a sudden, after what appeared to be a perfect date or evening, I simply stopped calling. Don’t you just hate me?
I would eventually call out of courtesy, and I could feel the confusion, pain and anguish emanating from the other end of the line. I could feel the question, “What did I do wrong?” seeping through the phone, but due to pride, they never asked. With some, the conversation would be brief, but I would talk with others, as friends, for hours. The funny thing is that once they got to know me and learned the secrets of my needs, we dated again until one of the above reasons occurred and ended the relationship.
I make no apologies for writing this book to make my life and every other man’s life easier. Men prefer relationships without a lot of drama, miscommunication and arguing so I am using this book to give women a head start in understanding us. I am convinced that women who understand men have significantly more power and happiness in relationships.
Knowledge truly is power and is critical to successfully courting a man. It’s no secret that men are not the best communicators, especially when it comes to expressing our needs to women. Many of us simply were not raised that way. Unlike women, rarely will you find men engaged in hours of conversation with one another arguing about what they need in order to settle down or get married. The reason is that we already know and agree with one another. We all want the same thing—a woman who understands us and knows how to take care of us just like mama.
This book will provide you with unlimited access to the psyche of the enigmatic male. I’m going to tell you exactly what men want and how to give it to us. This book is your study guide, so take notes, and use them in your next relationship. This book will even provide you with the exact language for wooing and loving your man. You and your MR. RIGHT can thank me later.
As a psychologist, I will admit that some men have serious issues that complicate the dating process; however, in the famous words of GI Joe, “Knowing is half the battle.” I promise to take good care of you. And in doing so, I will give you the secrets of how to take care of the mind, body and soul of a man.
I’ll teach you (1) how to flirt to attract marriage minded men (2) how to distinguish Mr. Right from Mr. I-say-all-the-right-things, (3) how to get inside your man’s head, so you no longer have to guess incorrectly about what he’s thinking, (4) how to get over insecurities (5) how to express your feelings and opinions without running him away, (6) how to make him want to commit (that’s right, I did say commit), (7) how to get him to notice you and only you, and (8) how to deal with his meddlesome and/or dysfunctional family. So sit back, forget everything you think you thought you knew, and get your popcorn ready as you learn the secrets behind what men really want in a wife.
Honestly, I’m excited about the competitive advantage that any woman who reads this book will have over the woman who does not. As a motivational speaker, I have found the formula for success involves asking the company what information it would like covered, writing a speech that covers those very same points, and cashing that check as I am applauded for what I was told to say! It’s like having honey in the bank, and yes, I did say honey.
Learning the secrets of what men desire from the women they choose to marry before you enter into a relationship will yield similarly sweet results for you. You’ll be paid with what you really want—your very own MR. RIGHT who just happens to be holding the most spectacular diamond ring you’ve ever seen. And, yes, it will be perfectly sized for your finger.
Now, get your honeymoon destinations and your wedding fingers ready as I reveal the ring formula for dating towards marriage.
(Scroll down to bottom to order The Ring Formula Now)
LEARN HOW TO COOK:
NURTURE A MAN’S SOUL
“There is more to dating than just looking cute.” Your grandmother told you that the key to a man’s heart is through his what? His what? His stomach! But did you listen? Some of you did and some of you didn’t. I can hear the women’s liberation movement ready to march now, but read on. I promise you will change your mind shortly. After you read this chapter, you must decide whether you would rather be Julia or Dr. Angela.
Dr. Angela was a petite, yet well-proportioned physician with velvety, evenly toned skin that was magazine-cover perfect. She had dark, piercing eyes and full, inviting lips. She had a mean shoe game and delighted in being fashionably accessorized and professionally manicured and pedicured. She had a cutting-edge hairstyle that was always freshly cropped. Her perfume of choice, Escada Magnetism, was used in just the right amount to linger faintly after she had passed by. Needless to say, Dr. Angela was well versed in the art of creating a desirable female image.
On a particular evening out on the town, she was keeping it simple—wearing a red silk well-fitted blouse that revealed just enough to tease but not enough to show everything she was working with, matching red boots that were just high enough to tempt but that distinguished her from a “professional shoe model,” and black fitted designer stretch jeans. In her style of dress, men would smile coyly as she approached, and yell “DAAAYYYM” as she walked past.
Angela had a charmingly appealing personality. She had a comfortable knack for attracting men and was an absolute professional when it came to flirting. It was plain to see that she was confident in using her feminine wiles as evidenced by her first interaction with Jeff.
Angela met Jeff at a fashionably upscale happy hour spot in trendy downtown Atlanta that had a reputation for bringing out quality, eligible men who were all about their business. These men were known for having their own houses, one or two luxury cars, and sufficient bank accounts to handle buying a woman a drink or two and much more. Women knew to strike quickly and hard because the cream of the crop frequented The Martini Club to get their mix of good times and good men.
Being a native of Atlanta, Angela knew all the right spots and when to arrive. Since she was also socially perceptive, she arrived before the trendy crowd and competition. Angela was on a mission to get a man or at least a quality date. She was definitely not there to party, preferring to entertain her MR. RIGHT at home.
As she surveyed the field, she spotted Jeff, a six-feet-three Adonis who physically portrayed everything she was looking for. Muscular and lean with handsomely chiseled features, he was positioned at the bar dressed in a dark, navy business suit, spit-polished shoes that reflected his take-charge persona, and brushed twenty-four-karat-gold cufflinks engraved with his initials, JAK.
It was obvious that he took extreme care in his grooming, even down to the warm aroma of his aftershave lotion. What really captured Angela’s attention, though, was that he was holding a snifter of Chivas Regal 25 with a pair of the largest hands she had ever seen.
Angela tingled with excitement, wanting to know more. Her initial approach was subtle, complimenting him on his cufflinks and coquettishly inquiring if “JAK” was someone who was successful at what he did. He laughed approvingly, introduced himself as Jeff, and easily carried the conversation. Quite naturally, she laughed at all of his jokes and made sure to touch his arms and chest when making a point, apologizing each time to make sure she had not stepped outside the boundaries of politeness.
“I’m sorry, JAK,” she teased. “Is it OK if I touch you when I speak? I have a bad habit of doing that, so please ignore it if it gets on your nerves.” She gave him a wink as she sought his approval. She consulted her newly found love interest on what drink to order, hesitated when he offered to buy her another, and acquiesced when he made a strong point. Throughout the evening’s conversation, she never mentioned that she was a doctor, instead focusing on her personal interests and places she liked to go.
Angela left The Martini Club around eight PM, but not with Jeff. Being a seasoned dater, she knew better and wanted him to take pursuit. She had taken the initial steps in showing she was interested. Now she would wait on his response. She did leave, however, with confirmed dinner reservations for the following night. Angela considered the night a success. She had her man, did not have to compete to get him, did not “waste” her outfit, and was in the bed watching Girlfriends by eleven o’clock. It was the perfect night.
Angela and Jeff dated for three months. During that time, they ate out most of the time, went to the park, and saw movies. They spoke on the phone almost every night, and she was impressed that Jeff was an excellent listener and very attentive. She really liked him but did not become clingy or demanding. She avoided discussing sex overtly, but she let him know that she would consider it “with the right guy.” She laughed honestly at his jokes, did not interrupt his conversation, and listened when he was upset. When she felt the relationship was solid, she allowed herself to be intimate with him. She was affectionate enough to arouse his curiosity and make him desire more.
However, somewhere between euphoria and ecstasy, something went wrong. Instead of Jeff’s calling more and showing more affection, he called less and became distant. He was no longer available on both Friday and Saturday nights and, eventually, was unavailable on both nights. His calls felt more like check-ins than a genuine, sincere desire to converse and spend time with her. Angela was flabbergasted. When he suddenly stopped calling altogether, she was literally in shock. She waited an entire two weeks, giving him every possible excuse in the book while rationalizing the sudden change in attention: Perhaps he became extra busy at work, or went out of town and forgot to call, or worse yet, suffered a death in the family.
Before long, Angela realized her worst fear. Jeff had met somebody new. He admitted it, and even had the nerve to tell her “it was serious.” She thought, “And we weren’t? Was I just a plaything for you to bounce around until you found something serious?” Her insides boiled like lava, but she maintained her cool because her pride was bigger than her anger. She listened intently to his explanation with her phone couched between her ear and shoulder as she fiercely destroyed stress ball after stress ball with her fingernails. She began to light a small fire in her mind with Jeff in the middle. He went on and on for what seemed liked hours about this wonderful connection he had with this other woman—Julia.
Without ever having met her, Angela instinctively hated Julia, but she played the supportive friend role. “I’m disappointed, but I want you to be happy, Jeff,” feigned Angela. Emotionally destroyed and psychologically undone, Angela vacillated between dating women, becoming a nun, or settling for the guy at work who had been after her for weeks, despite the fact that he had no attractive qualities whatsoever.
“What does this chick have that I don’t?” she wondered. “Did she give it up faster? Is she prettier, have a larger ass, slimmer waist, freakier, bisexual? What?” Angela was unable to come to a clear rationalization, and all of her theories were wrong. When she finally met Julia, she thought Jeff had lost his mind. Angela evaluated herself as being better educated and prettier. She had a better body and a much better shoe game. In short, she was more woman than Julia was. When Jeff introduced her to Julia, she played the supportive friend role that matched the way Jeff introduced her (A--hole), but inside she was devastated and confused.
She had imagined Julia to be a goddess who looked like Beyoncé, but Julia wasn’t even the equivalent to a background singer for Destiny’s Child. Angela’s ego needed Julia to be clearly superior to her, so she could make sense of it all. For the first time in her life, Angela was without all the right answers.
In reality, it had very little to do with any of her theories, phobias or ego-laden lies. Julia knew one thing that Angela did not. Julia knew how to cook. Julia was from the country—Vicksburg, Mississippi to be exact. Her grandmother and mother taught her how to cook, and she had been cooking for her father and brothers for years. Julia even grew tomatoes in the backyard and shopped at Whole Foods or the Farmers Market every week. Every fruit and vegetable in her house was fresh, healthy, and delectable.
Julia was a schoolteacher and an aspiring author. She did not have the flashy wardrobe like Angela, yet she was fashionable. She manicured her own nails from time to time and owned a few pairs of moderately priced heels. She rarely went to happy hours or to the club unless she was invited to someone’s birthday party. She wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, but admitted that she had slipped up a couple of times well into long-term relationships. Jeff respected her celibacy and did not pressure her.
Given Jeff’s lifestyle with Angela, you may be wondering where he and Julia met. It was at the grocery store. In fact, they met when he was on the way to Angela’s house, picking up a frozen pizza for dinner. As he stood behind Julia in the checkout line, Jeff noticed the okra, whole corn, pork tenderloin, bell peppers and fresh collard greens that Julia had in her basket. He asked if she was planning a big celebration. She answered, “No, I like to cook a lot, and I’m making dinner for the men at my job because we all have to work late grading papers for final exams this week.”
Ladies, let me tell you, it was love at first sight! Angela and that frozen pizza didn’t stand a chance. Big Mama was right—the key to Jeff’s heart was indeed through his stomach.
Before you chalk Jeff up be a man who just wanted a cook, you need to understand that there is unbelievable power in understanding the psychology of cooking for your man. There are three important phases when it comes to producing a meal: first, picking the healthiest, most succulent-looking ingredients; second, preparing the meal with the greatest of tender-loving care; and finally, presenting and savoring the mouth-watering combination of your efforts.
When a woman learns to cook, not just open a can and heat or microwave, she learns how to love and thus becomes a very powerful woman who is able to control even the strongest of men. Men grow attached to their moms because of the way she feeds and nurtures him through his formative years. Because of this, men are fiercely loyal to their mothers regardless of their flaws, shortcomings or prejudices, so if you plan to compete, you had better learn to fight fire with fire. Angela was fighting fire with … well … a strong shoe game. In the end, you can’t eat shoes.
Is it any wonder that Julia was able to “steal” Jeff without even trying? In fact, she did not really steal him. Jeff came to her! The day they met, Julia was dressed in a jogging suit, tennis shoes and no makeup. Jeff saw Julia for what she truly was—a wholesome, clean-faced woman. Her willingness to nurture and feed Jeff’s mind, body and soul was all that was required. One taste of Julia’s good cooking and it was good-bye Angela. Angela? Angela who?
Julia’s love was stronger than Angela’s game. Angela scored favorably when it came to superficial appearances, but she was clearly outmatched when it came to pleasing and loving a man. While Angela was trying to lure Jeff with her feminine wiles, Julia was busy loving Jeff with her nurturing ways.
As it turned out, Julia was the one writing the dissertation on Jeff’s needs. First, Julia had mastered the art of food selection. She knew how to pick savory fruits and vegetables. She preferred natural to processed, plump over scrawny, and healthy over sickly. She also knew that real men prefer the same thing in their women.
As Aretha sang, Julia was a “natural woman.” She used natural products in her hair, ate only natural fruits and vegetables, kept her skin clear with natural products, exercised frequently, and maintained regular visits to the doctor. She didn’t drink, except on special occasions, and never smoked a day in her life. Although Jeff smoked when he was with Angela, Julia’s healthful approach to life immediately caused Jeff to lose his taste for nicotine and quit smoking.
Julia knew that men like natural beauty because they have a fear that women they meet on Friday night will not look the same Saturday morning. Men secretly fear that women who do not take great care of themselves, neglect regular exercise, and do not eat right may get fat, unattractive and ill in their older age.
Men understand the aging process and want a woman who ages gracefully and still looks great at forty, fifty, and sixty years old. Men don’t ever want to think of a day when they are no longer sexually attracted to their spouses. By taking care of herself, Julia immediately made herself a competitor to Angela who, by contrast, would rather eat out than cook any day. Why put the strain on her nails with so many great restaurants in Atlanta?
Julia also knew the true definition of soul food. She understood that soul food was more spiritual in nature, whether it was black-eyed peas, collard greens or sweet potatoes. Soul food is literally food to nourish the soul. When cooking for Jeff, she picked healthy ingredients that he said he liked or referred to in conversations with her. She thought of him when she shopped and added in special spices depending on her mood and growing feelings toward Jeff. She put her soul into cooking and fed it to Jeff, and Jeff noticed. Boy did Jeff notice!
In exchange for the nurturing love Julia gave, Jeff reciprocated in many beautifully simple ways. When she arrived at home with the groceries, she didn’t even have to honk. He would meet her at her house (some twenty minutes away from his) if he knew she had been shopping, just to unload the car. Before long, he even enjoyed shopping with her and discussing the meals for the week.
Julia’s car never collected a trace of dirt without Jeff washing and waxing it to perfection. There was not one loose screw he didn’t tighten. He even loaded virus protection software on her computers at home and work. Jeff wanted to take care of Julia to reciprocate the obvious care and nurturance she was giving him.
Before long, Jeff was in the kitchen all the time. While Julia was cooking, he was reading aloud the newest article in Essence magazine, or improving something in the kitchen: fixing the garbage disposal, assembling a towel rack, building a lazy Susan, or surprising her with new cutting boards from Crate & Barrel.
Before long, they were cooking side-by-side because he thoroughly enjoyed her company and her spirit. He had even more fun stirring, tasting, and putting things on slow cook while she kissed him passionately while dressed in way-too-short shorts, his basketball jersey, and the new red heels he bought her.
Jeff and Julia cooked all the time, and sometimes the meals just simmered while they enjoyed each other. When they did finally eat, their conversation was magnificent. They would talk for hours and hours over Julia’s peach cobbler, the occasional dessert wine, and the natural wood fire Jeff lit especially for the occasion.
Each meal was a special occasion for them. He listened to her every desire, and vowed to support her in any way he could. She listened to his goals and ambitions, and never hesitated to fix something special for his big meetings. It was not long before Jeff built up a psychological, physical and emotional dependence on Julia and her soul cooking.
Six months into the relationship, Julia weakened and had sex with Jeff, and Jeff made sure to feed her with all his soul. He also said that he would respect her wishes and wait until marriage to be with her again. Marriage; this was sweet music to Julia’s ears, her mother’s ears, and her grandmother’s ears, and Julia decided to weaken just one more time … to celebrate with the man who was to become her husband.
Poor Angela. She had brought a pocketknife to a gunfight! While she had flirtatiously desired to know if JAK was “good at what he did,” in the end, Jeff was more interested in being taken care of himself. Needless to say, Angela did not attend the wedding and, a year later, did everything in her power to avoid crying when she saw Julia’s stomach protruding with twins.
Take a moment to think back to the decision required before you read the next chapter. Would you rather be Dr. Angela or Julia? If you still want to be Angela, keep reading. I hope that you will find yourself somewhere between these pages and make the decision to do what it really takes to date towards long-term commitment and marriage. If you decide you want to be Julia, keep reading. Most definitely, you will learn more formulas for getting closer to that ring; whichever your desire, just keep on reading.
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