My audience for this post is anyone who has a habit of being “too nice” in relationships. By experience, this group is usually reserved for a tribe of people I like to call “helpers”. We all know helpers…people in the helping profession (nursing, education, social work, psychology, ministry, life coaching, hospitality, trainers, etc.) who help all the time- even with friends, family and lovers.
I know you! You are a magnet for attracting lovers, friends and family who need your help desperately. You have a difficult time saying “No” and get sucked in before you know it. You help and give it your all because…after all you are a member of the helper tribe. You can even help people better than you can help yourself!
In relationships, you love first, plan a date first, trust first, forgive first, give the benefit of the doubt first, make up first, pray first, pay first, loan first, suggest counseling first, change first. Applause! You do everything first. You are a relationship MVP!
Hold up... Houston, we have a problem. There is no such thing as a relationship MVP. In fact, MVP’s are often taken for granted and get treated the worst in relationships. Think about it, if you are the MVP, what does that make your lover? What happens when you ask your lover to go first for a change? How about sacrifice for you? How about plan a romantic date first? You get played almost every time don’t you? Ouch!
As a member of this helper tribe, I have an important message for you that will break you out of the MVP mentality that is making you a rock star at work but getting you played at home:
You must stop placing a discount sign on your love!
Why? Well, it’s like buying clothes on sale. When you get a 50% discount on a designer brand you like, you are happy and buy. The store has done you a favor. After all, you got a full outfit for only half of the price. You should be forever grateful, right? Wrong. What would you do if the store later asked you to pay full price for item you got on sale? Would you do it and send them the difference? Remember, you only paid half of its retail value. It’s the noble and fair thing to do, right? Nope! See my point.
I’ll break it down further. When you give lovers a discount (double the love they give you- 50% off) because you are “too nice” and later ask for full value (100% of the love you gave them) later, it becomes a fight. Why? Because you already gave them a discount and they forever will see the full value as only 50% of it's real value, like a sale item. You played yourself by mistake…just like a store would if it asks you to pay full price after they already gave you a discount. Never do this again!
One weakness of helpers is that you tend to attract people-even lovers who need help! However, in relationships, helpers need help too and, sadly, often get disappointed, used and run over for being too nice. Too nice is a bad thing; being as nice is a great thing! Plain and simple, helpers should never date people who need help. Save that for work!
How can your patient heal you?
How can your student teach you?
How can someone unemployed financially secure you?
See my point? I’m not saying stop being nice, just stop being too nice for your own good so you don’t get discount love the rest of your life. You give 100% love and must demand 100% in return. In fact, customers enjoy paying full price for an item they really like. In fact, if you mark it down too much, it lessens the value in the customer’s mind. If I told you I would sell you a 2016 Mercedes Benz GL 450 (MSRP 65,000) for 25,000 what would your response be? That’s right…what’s wrong with it?
That’s what you do when you are really a 55,000 value but discount yourself, all in the sake of being too nice in relationships. You tend to attract lazy lovers, users and abusers. Additionally, you inadvertedly lower your worth and scare off good wo/men who think that this is deal is too good to be true. You wonder why you cannot attract a great partner like other healthy couples have? Meanwhile, Mr. or Mrs. Right is interested in you but scared off because he/she cannot help but wonder why you would mark yourself down so much if you can get actual value. That is unless, something is wrong with you. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!
Remember, this is not social work love and you should not consistently outwork your lover when establishing or maintaining a relationship. There are no MVP’s in relationships. Instead, it takes amazing teamwork from two people who work hard to make the relationship even. Makes logical sense, huh? However, I know as a former “social work lover” than it is easier said than done to change your ways. As helpers, our egos are wrapped around solving problems, being helpful and giving our right arm for others. In fact, I consider being helpful and supportive as the number ONE quality that makes me a great partner.
I used to date people who needed help but didn't help back and it sucked! So, you know what I did to ensure that I got 100% value for my love for rest of my life? That’s right…I dated and married another helper! I recommend you do the same.
Are you a discount lover?
Are you getting even value for your love?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly do you want to receive 100% of the love you give?
If you answered an 8 or above then you are ready! You can start by:
1) Only dating other helpers who have a track record for giving as much love as they
2) Demand that your current lover pay full value going forward.
It will be an uphill battle but one worth fighting…unless you like the idea of being a discount lover for the rest of your life. What lover can really respect that? Ouch but true! Simply stop what you are doing (going first) until your partner catches up and even the relationship with deeds that you have done. He/she will learn by experience (see what it is like to work hard) to appreciate you more. If they quit before the score is even, good for you…you eliminated a user and now have room for a good wo/man to come into your life!
Stop being too nice and lowering your God-appraised value! After all, do you know anyone who ever bragged about getting their lover, husband or wife on sale? Screams cheap doesn't it? In fact, it's quite the opposite. Men, especially, often brag about how much work they had to put in to finally earn his wife's heart and hand in marriage.
Give and demand full price, always. The love is better that way!
Dr. Alduan Tartt (www.drtartt.com)
Click book to purchase The Ring Formula...For Those Who No Longer Wish To Be Single!